


Operation: Lehran's Medallion!

by UnapologeticallyMeatwad



Series: The Black Eagle Spy Ring! [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn
Genre: Action Comedy, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Gen, Minor Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Minor Ike (Fire Emblem)/Senerio | Soren, Minor Ike/Soren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29380566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnapologeticallyMeatwad/pseuds/UnapologeticallyMeatwad
Summary: “Agent Black Eagle reporting in—Lehran’s Medallion is secure.”Edelgard grins playfully and stuffs away her walkie. She’s perched at the edge of a building overlooking a massive construction site. The wind blows dramatically, just how Edelgard likes it.“El, we’re all friends here,” Byleth cranes their neck back. “We really don’t need codenames.”“Agent Hegemon’s Wings, don’t test me.”Byleth frowns and walkies in. “Fine, Agent Hegemon’s Wings confirming medallion is secure.”(a Fodlan & Tellius crossover spy AU)
Series: The Black Eagle Spy Ring! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156865
Kudos: 5





	Operation: Lehran's Medallion!

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of a series, but all of these stories are standalones : ) 
> 
> the first one is more action-y, this is definitely more of a comedy lol

“Agent Black Eagle reporting in—Lehran’s Medallion is secure.”

Edelgard grins playfully and stuffs away her walkie. She’s perched at the edge of a building overlooking a massive construction site. The wind blows dramatically, just how Edelgard likes it.

“El, we’re all friends here,” Byleth cranes their neck back. “We really don’t need codenames.”

“Agent Hegemon’s Wings, don’t test me.”

Byleth frowns and walkies in. “Fine, Agent Hegemon’s Wings confirming medallion is secure.”

Edelgard smiles, patting their love on the back and leaning deeper into their walkie. “Checking in on Agent Confidant.”

“ _We are running on schedule to_ —” Hubert starts.

“ _Splendid, Petra and I on standby for_ —” Ferdinand simultaneously begins.

A pause. “ _Um,_ ” Hubert frowns. 

“ _Yes._ **_Um_ ** _,_ ” Ferdinand says shortly after. “ _Ridiculous. Everyone knows I am the superior Confidant._ ”

Edelgard frowns; she spent the whole night coming up with these codenames. She figured they’d stick.

“ _False_ ,” Hubert pouts. “ _Besides, you are Agent Noblest._ ”

“ _...oh, so I am!_ ”

Lindhardt pipes in, “ _Glad we got this figured out. This is Agent Ragamuffin by the way._ ”

“ _What?!_ ” Caspar almost screams, panting as he goes. “ _I thought I was Agent Ragamuffin._ ”

“ _Caspar, this doesn’t need to be so fucking complicated_ ,” Dorothea argues. “ _Edie’s names are great, you’re Agent_ — _um, shit—”_

“Hothead,” Edelgard groans. “Agent Hothead.”

Byleth punches Edelgard in the shoulder. “Team, let’s focus up. So Hubert and Ferdinand—”

Edelgard snorts.

“El, if we do the codenames, it’s gonna get so confusing.”

“...fine.”

“Thanks,” Byleth shakes their head. “Hubert and Dorothea are en route to meeting with Zelgius and Ashnard for the fake trade. Ferdinand and Petra are good. Caspar, you got the Riders’ attention?”

“ _Agent Hothead did_ — _WOO! Sorry I’m jumping and shit, they’re on my tail! They’re going to fucking swarm us, OOPS ALMOST FELL OFF A BUILDING, nah I’m good heh heh. Phew. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO COOL._ ”

“Great,” Byleth smiles. “Bernie, you still set to snipe?”

“ _Y-y-y-y-yes._ ”

Edelgard tosses the Medallion about, careful not to touch it. They say this thing will make anyone who touches it go berserk. Apparently, centuries ago, entire villagers were destroyed by those cursed by the Medallion.

In approximately ten minutes, Hubert and Dorothea will be meeting with Zelgius and Ashnard, two men interested in buying the ‘real’ Medallion from them. Not able to test the thing themselves without losing their minds, they will likely fall for the fake.

They don’t know Ashnard’s plan yet, but they do know a gigantic banquet is being held very close to the trade. Several major politicians from Tellius will be meeting with esteemed politicians in Fodlan at this banquet. 

Ashnard, a disgraced politician caught doing lots of horrible things, was spotted in Fodlan recently, which is odd given his attachment to Daein. So Edelgard and her Spy Ring did what they do best and crashed a deal he was holding with an anonymous team who had the real Lehran’s Medallion.

Ideally, Ashnard uses the medallion tonight in a way that finally mounts enough evidence against him to lock him up for good. It’s an ambitious op, and very tricky. 

Currently, three of Ashnard’s enforcers are in hot pursuit of Caspar who is leading them to Byleth, Edelgard, and Bernadetta, with Linhardt jamming communications so nothing can get through to the Big Kahuna.

Oh and there’s Ike. Agent Ike, from the Greil Mercenaries. He’s the beefcake who even put them up to this. He’s… nice. But while everyone wears sexy looking secret agent tuxedos, he wears khaki shorts and a tuxedo t-shirt. Definitely ruining the vibe a little. But it was in his contract that he dress how he wants to so. 

Ike approaches them with crossed arms.

“Yo, Agent Hothead—what?”

Edelgard narrows her eyes even more. She hates when people make fun of her.

Ike frowns. “I like the codenames, they’re cool, Agent Black Eagle—”

Oh nevermind, Ike is cool.

“—anyways who’s after ya, Agent Hothead?”

“ _Green hair lady, uh, helmet face, and pointy beard._ ”

Edelgard blinks. “Caspar, you’re going to need to be more descriptive on—”

Ike shushes her. “That’s Petrine, Bertram, and Bryce all right. 

A soft mumbly voice pipes in, “ _Ike, I’m looking at ‘Agent Hothead’s’ profile and I’m not sure if he’s capable of taking these people on.”_

That’s Soren. Dude is _such_ an asshole. He absolutely ruins the vibe for sure. He’s in the van with Linhardt.

“ _Hey man! I’m pretty good at punchin’_ ,” Caspar whines.

Ike punches his palm. “Soren, it’s fine, especially when I’m here. Boom baby!”

Caspar’s turquoise hair peeps up over the lip of a building across them and he soars through the air, nearly face planting into the cement. “I’m okay,” he gasps, scrambling up to where everyone else is standing and turns just as Petrine, Betram, and Bryce peek out over the same edge. 

Petrine is the most remarkable of the three, with a massive cannon mounted on her shoulder. “Ike. So we meet again. I’d like to take him alone, boys.”

“Very well, milady,” Bryce bows back. 

“Myeeeeeeh,” Betram groans, a helmet hiding most of his face, true to the name Caspar bestowed him with.

“But first,” Petrine taps her cannon and a brilliant burst of red light shoots out through the air— 

—and knocks Lehran’s Medallion out of Edelgard’s gloved hand—

—and into the abyss of the construction site. 

Edelgard looks over her shoulder and without hesitation, sprints for the edge. 

“EL NO!” Byleth shouts. “Totally not worth it!”

“WE DON’T KNOW WHAT IT DOES IF IT BREAKS, BERNIE—” Edelgard leaps off the edge and vanishes from view. Her voice trails into the walkie. “— _SHOOT THAT THING OUT OF THE AIR AND GIVE ME A LINE TO GRAB! NOW!_ ”

“ _Aaaaah okayokayokayOKAY!”_ Bernie screams.

Ike hesitates before going into the fight, “Yo, is—uh—is she gonna be okay?”

Byleth looks back and shrugs. “Yeah. She’ll be fine. We do this a lot.”

* * *

Meanwhile, relatively close to the banquet hall, Hubert is waiting outside with a cigarette, trying to look tough, Dorothea standing besides him. 

“Why are you smoking?” Dorothea rolls her eyes.

“Getting into character,” he mutters.

She looks out and sees the shadows of two _very_ burly men. Definitely their people. “You can be such an amateur. I’m taking the lead on this,” she snatches the Medallion from him, the fake one, made to look, weigh, and feel exactly like the real thing, and struts forward, Hubert nearly dropping his cigarette to catch up. 

Hubert knows there is no stopping Dorothea at this point. “Just be calm. Ashnard has—anger issues.”

The figures step under a streetlight, their dark profiles illuminated. The larger one is a true behemoth with razor sharp, blue eyes, a hawk-like nose, and a sneering cackle echoed in his smile. That has to be Ashnard.

Meaning the other one with a grave expression and sweeping raven hair is Zelgius. “We know anything about him?” Dorothea asks.

“No, unfortunately,” Hubert sighs. “Zelgius is an unknown, even to Ike.”

“Alright,” Dorothea walks faster and meets with the two men under the lamplight, throwing her hands to her hips, swinging her voice into the most ridiculous Brooklyn accent Hubert’s ever heard.“Okay, chumps. We’re going to do this fast and we’re going to do this right. You fuckin’ feel me you fucks?”

Hubert’s eyes widen just as Ashnard’s do. He reaches forward. “She doesn’t mean that—”

There’s an echo. Zelgius is reaching forward doing the same thing, and damn is his voice deep. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Ashnard sneers at the two men. “I like this one. How do you want to do this, my sweet?”

“Call me that again, and I’ll rip ya dick out,” Dorothea points over her shoulder. “Lurch over here is the sweet one.”

Hubert blinks. “That’s true. I seduce people as Milady’s Right Hand Man.”

Ashnard nods. “I don’t like this Lurch one, keep an eye on him Zelgius. Now, you give us the Medallion first and we’ll keep it clean.”

* * *

Bernadetta freaks out, jamming her eye so hard into the scope that it creases her skin. Praise the Goddess though, she’s the best sniper in town (begrudgingly) and manages to shoot the falling Medallion out of the air, knocking it onto one of the metal support beams. 

Bernie drops the gun and rummages through her equipment. Stupid Bernie, she didn’t think she needed to—okay, okay, there, yep, lock on, lead the shot and— _BOOM!_

A hook blasts out of the barrel and soars through the air, embedding itself deep into one of the beams, the magnet-guided tail to this grapple swinging through the air, latching onto a beam opposite the target, and making a solid line for Edelgard to catch onto and—

—Edelgard’s safe. 

* * *

Hurts like a fucking bitch though. Edelgard’s whole body aches as she squeezes up to stay balanced on what is essentially now a tightrope over death. Doesn’t help she just fell pretty goddamned far. She thumbs her chin and lets herself gently swing down to another support beam twenty feet below.

Hurts again, plus her weight sends the thing rockin’ and she has to hold onto one of the nearby chains to not fall off. She stays planted until she has solid ground again and then she scans the construction site until she sees a sharp gleam from way down below.

“Good work, Bernie,” Edelgard grins, despite the thundering pain in her ribs. “Medallion still secure.”

* * *

Caspar’s fists crash down on Bertram’s gauntlets.

“ **MUUUUARGH**!” Betram roars.

Caspar raises an eyebrow and shuffles back, jumping back in with a mighty punch to Betram’s big dumb helmet face, but Betram blocks Caspar once again, and this time his roar is even mightier. “ **_MUUUUUUUARGH!_ **”

“BETRAM WOULD YOU SHUT UP MAN?!” Bryce screams as he desperately swings at Byleth, who slinks around him like a ragdoll. “What business do you have with us: THE RIDERS OF DAEIN!”

“Give it a rest, Bryce,” Petrine groans as she fires off blasts of energy at Ike. “It’s not going to be a thing.”

Bryce grumbles and gets even more desperate. Byleth moves faster, and slinks around Bryce like a worm. Their right leg swings up and kicks Bryce in the sides, and then Byleth’s other foot comes up and clamps onto the other side. With one twist of the legs, Bryce is throttled against the ground like a big dumb idiot. Byleth lands on their hip and scuttles back to their feet. 

Meanwhile, Ike closes in on Petrine. She fires another blast and he takes it head on, not even flinching. He just needs to close the gap, and he does. He lurches forward and punches her in the jaw, knocking her onto her heels, her shoulders going wayside. 

Which triggers an energy blast that soars into the construction sight.

* * *

Edelgard goes full deer in headlights for a moment as the energy blast flies towards her and the construction beam she’s balanced on. The one with the Medallion that she just finally made it onto. 

Legs shaking, she dashes forward, but is too slow. The blast hits the beam and sends the whole thing rocking to and fro. 

The Medallion flops high into the air, catching a glint of light before falling.

And Edelgard is knocked into the air once again.

Her hands slap at the air, desperately grabbing for something, anything, that can stop her from falling to her death. It all whizzes by her in a blur and she falls one story. Two stories. Three stories.

And then she catches something. A chain. She rides down it, the rungs banging up her hands all the while. But she clutches to it for dear life and smashes into the beam the chain is carrying. Her knee crumple inward and she gasps, pulling her shaking hands back, not noticing her classic white gloves are now frayed and shredded, falling off her flesh. 

“ _Edelgard!_ ” Bernie yells through the walkie. “ _It’s above you!_ ”

Edelgard stumbles back, still holding the chain, and cranes her head high, just barely able to make out the medallion balancing on a beam above. Not too bad. If she just climbs up the chain, she thinks she can manage to swing herself over. “Good work, Bernie—”

But of course nothing can ever be _easy_ and yet another energy blast from Petrine flies into the construction yard, and slams into the beam with the medallion.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

Edelgard searches desperately, scanning the air, and manages to catch a glint of light reflecting off the medallion as it flips high into the air. And then falls. Edelgard bites her lip and backs up, leaning into sprinting stance.

“ _Whaaaat are you doing?_ ”

“It’s fine,” Edelgard mutters and waits until the medallion lines up in the arc of her predicted jump. She dashes down the length of the beam, winces, and leaps off the edge. She soars and opens her eyes. The medallion is right in front of her. She laughs and snatches it out of the air and twists onto her back, landing on yet another beam safely. 

The beam rocks to and fro from her landing and she grabs onto a chain for support, taking a moment to breathe. “Medallion is secure,” she laughs, thumb running over the rough edges.

“ _Agent Black Eagle,_ ” Ike calls out. “ _Can you confirm it’s in good condition?_ ”

“Sure,” she holds it up into the air, squinting at it, when she notices something. 

Her glove’s gone. That’s her bare hand holding Lehran’s Medallion. 

* * *

Zelgius snorts, stepping away from the deal and pulls out his flip phone. In his highly educated opinion, this Hubert man is very _sus_. He’s got a feeling some kind of double deal is going down. After all, his enforcers just ran off after some turquoise haired kid and he hasn’t heard anything from them.

“What the Hell,” he mutters when the phone hits its third ring. Betram always picks up right away.

This is also very _sus_.

* * *

At that very moment, that ‘turquoise haired kid’ punches Bertram in the face and knocks him right out.

“YEAH!” Caspar screams, throwing both arms into the air and flexing. 

“HELL YEAH!” Ike cheers for Caspar as he fends off Petrine. 

“WOO GO CASPAR!” Byleth leaps in place, having just taken care of Bryce themselves.

And then there’s a ring. 

_Hello my baby! Hello my honey! Hello my ragtime gal!_

“Huh?” Caspar scratches his head. “Uh, heeey guys! I think someone’s calling Helmet Face!”

“What?!” Byleth cries out. “Don’t pick up!”

“B-but, if I don’t, isn’t that kinda suspicious,” Caspar frowns. “Lin, aren’t signals supposed to be blocked?”

“ _Just outgoing,_ ” Linhardt sighs. “ _It’s about to hang up._ ”

“Shit, shit,” Caspar waves his hands in the air like he’s shaking water off them, bending down to pick up the phone.

“I got this,” Ike calls out. “My Betram impression is—”

 _BAM!_ Petrine clocks him in the jaw.

“Ow!” Ike falls back, rubbing his sore cheek, and runs forward. “HUUUUUARGH AETHER!”

“Okay, okay,” Caspar hypes himself up and clicks the green button. 

“ _Betram, this is Zelgius_ ,” a silk smooth baritone says on the other end of the line. _“Status report._ ”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Zelgius lips pinch together in a tight frown as he waits for a response. Goddess, this is so _sus_ it hurts. 

Then ‘Betram’ speaks, and as Betram is wont to do, he lets out a moan deep enough to be a viable performance for Lurch from the Addam’s Family.

“ _Muuuuuuuuuuuuagh._ ”

Zelgius blinks.

And strokes his chin.

* * *

All heads turn to Caspar as he lets out that awful _Muuuuuuuuuuuagh_ sound.

 _What are you doing?!_ Byleth mouths. 

“ _Caspar, you nincompoop_ ,” Linhardt drawls through the radio.

“ _Ditto,_ ” Soren pipes in. “ _This operation is officially FUBAR._ ”

Caspar shrugs and mouths, “ _I don’t know! What else was I supposed to do!?”_

After such a long silence, Zelgius returns and speaks.

* * *

“Betram,” Zelgius shakes his head, squeezing the bridge of his nose. “Get it together man, come on.” And with that he hangs up. 

Zelgius glances past his shoulder and locks eyes with Ashnard. He nods. Ashnard nods back. 

And proceeds with the deal.

* * *

A few minutes later, the dust is settled and Petrine is out. The three Riders of Daein are tied up against a pole, and Ike claps his hands together proudly. “Job well done, boys.”

“Not job well done,” Edelgard cries out, voice raspy and shot. Her shaking white hand slinks out from the precipice and grabs tightly onto the rooftop. With one mighty pull-up, she slings herself over and rolls over several times, face pale and veiled in sweat. 

Byleth is the first to rush over. “Holy shit, are you okay?!”

“I’m okay,” Edelgard wheezes, and holds up Lehran’s Medallion. “But we have the wrong medallion.”

Byleth blinks. “What?”

Ike comes over, nostrils flared, like he’s sniffing it out. “HM.” 

Edelgard shakes her head and sits up. “I accidentally grabbed this with my bare hand as you can see—”

“ _Tsch,_ ” Soren sniffs. “ _Amateur hour._ ”

“—it’s not—yeah yeah, I know, I’m an amateur, woop-dee-doo,” Edelgard growls. “I’m not _beserk_. It didn’t do anything.” 

Byleth’s eyebrows scrunch in and they reach forward, towards the medallion, eyes wide like an excited baby’s. 

Edelgard jerks the medallion away. “What are you doing.”

Byleth frowns, “I don’t know, maybe you’re holding it wrong.”

“I’m holding Lehran’s Medallion wrong,” Edelgard says slowly with a raised eyebrow. “Okaaaaaaaay. I’m, uh, just going to put this away.”

“Woof,” Ike stretches his arms over his head. “Yo, Soren. Where’s the deal at?”

“ _They just sold the medallion. Ashnard is currently walking into the banquet hall. How in Ashera’s name did you manage to give them the ACTUAL medallion_ —”

“Soren, not now,” Ike swipes at the air. “Uhhhhh… okay. Agent, um, Confidant, and shit these are actually pretty hard to remember…”

Edelgard rolls her eyes. “Ferdie and Petra. Are you there?”

“ _Yes!_ ” they both say in unison.

“Plan Beta,” Edelgard groans. 

“ _I don’t know what that is,_ ” Ferdinand audibly frowns.

“ _Ditto_ ,” Petra whines. “ _Edelgard, these codenames are cute but I think there’s a time and place for_ —”

“OKAY OKAY FINE I GET IT YOU DON’T LIKE—”

Byleth snaps their fingers repeatedly to get Edelgard’s attention, motioning towards her waist. 

“Um,” Edelgard bites her lip. “What?”

“Give me the satchel with the medallion, we need to run it over no matter what,” Byleth says.

“True,” Edelgard fishes it out and tosses it over. “Be careful.”

Byleth turns on their heel—

“ _Wait, don’t do that_ ,” Linhardt cries out.

—makes one long stride forward—

“ _Yes, please, don’t,_ ” Soren echoes.

—and they’re off. Byleth sprints the length of the rooftop in seconds and leaps off the edge, bodyslamming and shattering the window to the next building over. 

“ _We have a car_ ,” Linhardt groans. 

“Huh?” Edelgard looks at Ike dimly and then snaps her fingers. “Oh shit! WE HAVE A CAR!” 

“It’s fine,” Caspar sighs, holding an arm out to help Edelgard up. “Byleth likes runnin’.”

“ _It’s true_!” Byleth chirps over the radio.

* * *

Hubert almost dies right then and there when he hears the news. Once he collects himself, he turns on his heel and grabs Dorothea by the shoulders, nodding for her to follow him into one of the bushes.

Dorothea, who never pays attention to the walkie because it’s stupid, raises an eyebrow. 

They crouch into the large brush and immediately Hubert starts disrobing, handing his briefcase over to Dorothea. 

Dorothea has just one thing to say: “Um.”

Hubert barely acknowledges her. “Hm? Oh. We just gave them the real medallion by accident.”

It takes a full second for this to register with Dorothea. “Okay. Um. Sure.”

“Help me dress in my back-up costume,” Hubert grunts. “I need to give Ferdie and Petra instructions.”

* * *

Ferdinand slides down the golden chain and lands on top of the sparkling chandelier, which sways under his weight. When it steadies, he reaches up and takes Petra gently by the hand and helps her down. Less swaying this way. Don’t want to bring attention to themselves, given the banquet is right below them and it’s _packed_.

They both take a knee.

“Okay Hubert,” Ferdinand whispers. “Now what?”

“ _I’m thinking,_ ” Hubert growls.

“Hm,” Ferdinand strokes his chin. “Well I’d like to throw in—”

Petra opens her mouth and reaches out for him to stop, but of course Ferdinand continues.

“Petra here has been working on a great bit where she’s a chef, right? And she’s like, worked up and upset, because the food has been poisoned, and she makes a whole scene—”

“ _Sounds stupid._ ”

Ferdinand grits his teeth. “—well it’s better when Petra does it. Petra?” He looks at her and gestures to her, inviting her to do the bit, but she just shakes her head.

“ _Hubert, do the voice,”_ Dorothea mumbles on the other end.

“ _Pinstripes,_ ” Hubert says in the most nasally of all voices, so nasalier it would make even a young Caspar feel second hand embarrassment. “ _You need pinstripes. And fedoras._ ”

Ferdinand raises an eyebrow. “What’s with the voice?”

“ _It’s my character,_ ” Hubert continues. “ _Do you follow?_ ”

Petra leans in. “I understand.”

* * *

Meanwhile, Ike drives the van, and Soren sits at shotgun. Byleth, Edelgard, Caspar, and Bernadetta are all squeezed into the middle, balancing on a toolbox together. Ike whistles to the country music he’s got going. “Hey!” he points through the window. “I think I see Byleth running.”

Edelgard glances up and sees blue hair bobbing in the wind as her girlfriend leaps from one building to the next. She shakes her head and looks out at the street. “This is highly illegal. The seating that is.”

“Tsch,” Soren sniffs, bowing his mouth into his palm.

Edelgard frowns, waiting for Soren to follow up on that passive aggressive _Tsch_ and when he doesn’t, she leans towards him. “What?”

“Soren,” Ike whines.

“You’re the ones who misplaced Lehran’s fucking Medallion,” Soren rolls his eyes. “Not our bad, nor our idea. Also the rental is in Linhardt’s name so it’s not our problem. What are we supposed to do? Call an Uber?”

Edelgard grits her teeth. “Well, you know—”

“You know I’m right,” Soren sticks his nose in the air, swishing his hair from side to side. “Ha ha.”

Ooh, that makes her so angry.

“SOREN!” Ike flaps one big honkin’ arm out to pull Edelgard away from him. “If there is any more fighting I will turn this thing around!”

* * *

 _CRASH!_ goes the window. Byleth flops over the shattered glass, scrambling to get back up and jumps out the next window and falls into the next building. 

It’s mostly just that. They’re just running. 

“I gotta beat that car,” they think. 

* * *

Zelgius smirks. Finally, after five minutes of waiting, him and Ashnard are about to cross through the metal detector and make history at this infernal banquet.

“STOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOooooOOOOOP!” a horrifically nasally voice calls out in distress. Zelgius furrows his brow and looks over his shoulder. A pale man with gaunt cheeks and raven black hair sprints past the long line, clutching his briefcase and fedora. He wears a baggy gray suit which tells Zelgius he’s some kind of businessman.

A _familiar_ businessman. Interesting maneuver. 

“I’M LATE!” the man who is most certainly Hubert cries out, wedging himself in just before Ashnard. “LET ME IN!” 

“Uh,” the security guy looks over, jaw slacked. “Sir, you have to wait at the end.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Hubert screams, jogging in place. “I gotta get through, I gotta get throooOOOOOOOooooOOOOOUGH!”

Good Goddess he’s good. 

“Let him go,” Ashnard grunts. “I don’t want to hear his incessant bitching all night.” 

Zelgius rolls his eyes. Sometimes, Ashnard is not very observant. “Um, excuse me, sir! Don’t I know you?”

Hubert’s whole body shakes and he whirls around. “Perhaps, I know a lot of people, I’m very important, the name is uh,” he keeps his fedora bowed past his eyes. “Nigel Gumdrop.”

“Nigel Gumdrop,” Ashnard mutters to himself. “Hm.”

“Yes,” Zelgius looks at Ashnard pointedly. “ _Hm.”_

Ashnard arches an eyebrow with intrigue. “Hm?”

“Hm.”

Hubert shrugs and turns around only to get dragged back by Zelgius. “I’m sure I know you. We definitely know this name Ashnard.” 

Ashnard crosses his arms, sizing Hubert up. “Hm. Did I kill his dad or something?”

Zelgius arches an eyebrow now. “What?”

Ashnard snorts. “I don’t know, that’s what it usually is. I killed their Dad a long time ago and they—it’s like Inglorious Basterds—ya know what, fuck it. Get out of my sight you weirdo.”

“That’s…” Zelgius bites his lip. “...not remotely what I meant. He’s—”

“Uh,” Hubert’s jaw drops. “I’m going to go. Okay, hey can I go through now?”

The security guard waves a hand and Hubert slips away, marching through the metal detector and… 

…

…

… 

...nothing happens.

Hubert pauses and then steps back into the metal detector. Nothing. He goes out and then back in. Like he’s doing the Charleston. “Um. Sir, I think your metal detector is broken.”

“Huh?” the guard someone manages to trail off in just one syllable.

“Yeah, I got a lot of metal on me,” Hubert opens his jacket, revealing an array of stopwatches and such. “There’s some spoons in my shoes, uh, yeah, this thing’s busted. Maybe you should call off the—”

The guard just stares. Stares so hard it even makes Zelgius flinch. And finally he says, “You’re too stupid to do anything naughty. Move along. You too, sirs.”

Zelgius pats Ashnard on the shoulder and they manage to get through, though Ashnard’s comically large shoulders do force him to turn at an angle to pass the barrier.

The moment they’re out, it is glorious. The ceiling, walls, and floor all shimmer with gold. Banquet tables are arranged all over and the most important political figures of Tellius are all present. Kings Naesala, Tibarn, and Caineghis… but most importantly: Queen Elincia. Ashnard’s most fated foe. 

Ashnard smirks to himself like a true villain. He’s always so over-the-top. It makes Zelgius shake his head. 

Immediately though, they are both accosted. By a ginger man and purple haired woman with brown skin. Dressed to the nines in pinstripe suits with fedoras and cigars.

Zelgius frowns, “What now?”

“We’re here to help yas out, sheeee?” the purple haired woman, Petra, wags his cigar about, sending trails of smoke into the air. 

“Ohsss yaaaa,” the ginger one, Ferdinand agrees. “Boss told us to be right here for when ya come in. Who we shootin’?” 

This earns several screams of panic from the nearby tables, most notably the Senators of Begnion. Fuck those guys. 

“Now now everyone,” Zelgius calls out before things get too disastrous. “This is just a bit. Ha ha. So funny!” 

“Whaddafuck,” Petra shakes her head. “No boss, we ain’t doin’ a bit we’re here to help yas kill everyone!”

Ashnard’s face scrunches in with disgust. “Yes, definitely. That is our plan, everyone. I am going to kill all of you. You know me? Ha!” 

The crowd seems to buy it and goes back to what they’re doing.

“So good you came,” Ashnard hisses. “Why don’t you follow Zelgius and I into the kitchen?”

* * *

“This. Sucks.”

Hubert frowns, body tied to a stone pillar in the kitchen, alongside Ferdinand and Petra. 

Zelgius clicks his tongue, pulls out Lehran’s Medallion, and drops it onto a cutting board. 

“Your plan was foolhardy,” Ashnard cackles. “And now you shall fail.” 

“You’ll never get away this!” Ferdinand cries out. “Whatever it is that you’re… whoa, that’s a big sword. How’d you get that in?”

Zelgius shrugs, bent over the cutting board with Alondite, his legendary silver sword in hand. “Metal detector was out.”

“Ah,” Ferdinand is convinced. “Wait. I still don’t underst—”

Alondite falls at the very edge of the medallion, slicing a piece off like one would a lemon. Gently, Zelgius brushes the piece of medallion to the side and continues.

“—I am not following,” Ferdinand frowns. 

“Same,” Hubert echoes.

“I get it,” Petra nods. 

Hubert and Ferdinand’s necks both crack turning to stare at Petra.

Petra bumps her head towards where Zelgius stands. “He is making slices to put in people’s water, like lemons.”

Hubert furrows his brow. “That’s ridiculous—”

“MUA HAH HAH!” Ashnard calls out, pumping his large arms towards the ceiling. “You guessed right! We shall serve the corrupted water to all the elites of Fodlan who will then go beserk with power and kill each other in a massacre! The land will descend into chaos and—”

“Will that work?” Ferdinand asks curiously. “The medallion and the water.”

“Of course it will,” Ashnard frowns. 

“Have you tested it?” Petra asks.

“No, but I’m sure it’ll work,” Ashnard shrugs. “It makes sense.”

“I…” Ferdinand’s face scrunches up even more. “...guess. Sure.”

“Yes,” Ashnard’s smile cracks so wide. “Sure, indeed.”

* * *

The van nearly flops onto its side with the speed Ike comes in at. It slams to a halt and Edelgard is the first to leap out. She runs out into the courtyard just outside the banquet hall and falls to her knees, holding her arms out and catching a falling Byleth.

“Whoa, what?!” Caspar cries out. “We got here at the same time?”

Byleth coughs into Edelgard’s chest, body limp and wet from all the sweat. Shaking, they hold out the medallion, still in the satchel, and pass it off to Edelgard. “Go…” they rasp.

“Ohmigosh!” Bernadetta squeals. “Are you—are they—d-d-d-dying—”

“No,” Edelgard shakes her head. “They’re just playing it up. Byleth, stop, you’re making Bernie nervous.”

Byleth laughs weakly, and then coughs again, pushing themselves up to their feet. “What’s the update?”

Dorothea jumps out from one of the bushes and runs over. She grabs Edelgard by the shoulders, gritting her teeth. “Hubie, Ferdie, and Petra went in a while ago and they’ve been radio silent since.”

Edelgard’s jaw drops for a moment as she tries to think. She locks eyes with Ike, and then with Byleth. “Do we have any idea how they’re using the medallion? I would imagine they want to make everyone go berserk but… They can’t just pass it around, no one would fall for that.”

“Fuck it,” Ike slaps at the air. “Let’s just go.”

“Go?” Edelgard frowns.

“Go, yeah,” Ike spits over his shoulder. “We just gotta try something.”

Edelgard winces. She hates going in without a plan. But then Byleth grips her by the shoulder and leans in. “He’s right,” they whisper.

Yeah, he is.

* * *

Zelgius takes a seat beside Ashnard, the two having wedged themselves in at Elincia’s table. Around them, waiters are just coming out with the new pitchers of water. Ashnard can hardly contain himself. He needs to keep a lower profile, Zelgius thinks, but there’s not much he can do about it at this point.

Ashnard leans in, palming his chin. “So Elincia, how goes it?”

“Ashnard,” Elincia’s lips purse. “I’m surprised they let you in.”

Ashnard shrugs. “Well, no one has anything on me so… heh heh.”

Elinica narrows her crimson eyes. “You’re up to something.” 

“Oh, but I am,” Ashnard cackles while twisting his non-existent mustache. “You see, Elincia. Tellius is about to become embroiled in war. I wish you’d be there to see it, but you’re going to die very soon now.”

Elincia frowns, waiting a few moments for clarification, and then leans in. “Excuse me?”

“You’re going to die,” Ashnard says so smugly.

“How?”

“You’ll see. It’s too late. It’s already been served.” 

The pitcher lands on their table, and Ashnard is the first to snag it. He pours glasses for everyone and slides one over to Elincia, who eyes it with caution.

“Say anything, say one word,” Ashnard smirks. “And I’ll shoot you.” 

Truth be told, a gun rests on his thigh, ready to go off any moment. “I want you to watch. Or you’ll die slowly.”

Then a stampede of shoes scuff against the finely polished floor and heads all around the banquet turn to the intruders. 

Ashnard gets up with a start. “IKE?!”

* * *

Edelgard looks around in a panic. She sees Ashnard, and she sees everyone staring at her and the crew. What’s his plan? What could it be? It must already be in motion. Where’s—

“YO!” Caspar screams, and then slams a hand over his mouth, bowing down to Edelgard’s ear. “ _Yoooooo_.”

“Oh my God, what.”

Caspar frowns. “The Medallion’s in the water! See?”

“Huh?” Edelgard squints. “I see it at King Naesala’s table…”

“Huh? Caspar looks over. “I was looking at King Tibarn’s but yeah, it _is_ at his…”

Ike punches his palm. “They cut up the medallion and are serving it in the water like lemons.”

Edelgard looks up. She wants to question it, but Ike’s idea is too specific to be incorrect. So she runs forward, splaying her arms out wide. “THE WATER’S BEEN POISONED! NO ONE DRINK IT!” 

Nobles all over the room freeze, water just about to enter their mouths. Ashnard’s face falls in dismay.

“ _Ha_!” a snooty voice calls out. 

Edelgard turns and sees King Naesala of the Kilvas nation throwing his head back. “ _I_ don’t think I will!” 

Everyone at the Phoenicis table groans. King Tibarn is the one to stand. “Nasaela, you do this shit all the time! Don’t drink the water, it’s poison. I believe these strange young people who just broke in. Also hi Ike.”

Ike waves. “Yooooo.”

“Psch, we’ll see about that,” Naesala laughs and brings the drink to his mouth, tongue lashing out. He’s too far away to be stopped, and as he laps up the drink like a monster, everyone gasps in suspense. 

Then Naesala settles the glass down. And that’s it.

Nothing remarkable happens. 

“So it’s… not poisonous?” Tibarn scratches his head.

“I dunno,” Naesala shrugs carelessly. “Poison usually takes a while to take hold. I guess we’ll just have to sit here for hours and wait.”

“Damn,” Tibarn sets his hands on his hips. “I’m thirsty though.” 

“Wait!” Ashnard gets up, hand outstretched. “Um, I know what kind of poison is ideal to use in this situation, given my character, and I believe it would be instantaneous.”

Meanwhile, Queen Elincia’s eyes start fluttering in disbelief. She’s focusing on the pitcher at their table. 

Ashnard acknowledges her for a moment and then steps forward. “You’re not feeling anything?”

Naseala shakes his head. “Nope.” 

“What,” Ashnard frowns, scratching his head. “That’s… you don’t feel angry?”

“Nope.”

“You should be angry.”

“At you?”

“No, in general.”

“Oh. Not at all.”

“Hm. You don’t want to kill everyone in the room?”

“Uh, no that’d be super weird…”

“ _IS THAT LEHRAN’S MEDALLION!?_ ” 

Once again, all heads in the room turn and this time it’s to Elincia. She stands back, finger pointed and shaking. That’s when the chaos starts. Everyone starts screaming and running around, even though that’s highly unnecessary. It’s just what people do. 

That’s when the truly unexpected happens. 

Zelgius rushes forward, wedges his deep into the small of Ashnard’s back, and yanks his wrists behind him, cuffing him. “Ashnard, you are under arrest.”

Edelgard’s jaw drops. “WAIT WHAT?!”

* * *

A half hour later, things have settled. The Black Eagle Spy Ring, with Ike and Soren in tow, hang out with Zelgius at the van. Ashnard has already been hauled away by the feds.

“You see,” Zelgius explains, a bit of a slur in his voice now that the celebration is getting to him. “I’ve been a triple agent on his case for years now. I swear, I had no idea how to get out of this one. I’m thankful. I needed a confessional, and you got that from him.”

“Hm,” Ike sizes Zelgius up. “You’re not half bad, man.”

“Yeah, you’re cool too,” Zelgius smiles. “Nice suit.”

“It’s a t-shirt,” Ike jerks a thumb at his chest.

“Oooh, clever.”

“Wait,” Edelgard holds her hand up like she’s in class.

Instinctively, Byleth answers. “Yes?”

Edelgard’s face flushes and she steps forward. “I’m confused. We gave you the _actual_ Lehran’s Medallion. The one we swapped it with is a fake, we uh…”

“...fucked up,” Soren finishes for her. “ _They_ fucked up. Not me, of course.”

“Of course,” everyone sighs.

Soren smirks. 

Ugh. 

Soren. 

“Nooooo you didn’t,” Zelgius seems sort of confused now. “If you did, we’d be done for. Ashnard’s plan was brilliant.”

“Um,” Ferdinand leans in with crossed arms. “Cutting Lehran’s Medallion up like a lemon and serving it in pitchers of water was genius?”

“Oh yeah,” Zelgius swishes his hair like a dog shaking water off. “One hundred percent would have worked. Trust me. You sold us the wrong medallion.”

Edelgard furrows her brow. “But… no, we gave you the real one. I would know. I held the medallion and nothing happened to me.” 

“Ha,” Zelgius sucks on his lower lip and observes the sky for a moment. “Pretty stars. _Anyways_ , you’re Edelgard von Hresvelg, right?”

“Yes,” she says nervously.

“Okay, so you have the Crest of Flames programmed into you, yes?”

Edelgard doesn’t know where this is going. “Yes?”

“Right, good. _So_ ,” Zelgius smiles warmly and pats her on the shoulder. “We call that a _Fire Emblem._ ”

“Oh. Okay,” Edelgard still isn’t following. “And?”

“Well, Lehran’s Medallion? That’s also called a _Fire Emblem._ ”

Edelgard chews on her cheek and mulls that over. “Huh.”

Zelgius uses his hands to demonstrate somehow, but it’s too abstract to make any sense honestly. “A _Fire Emblem_ … cannot affect another _Fire Emblem_. You kids didn’t know that?”

“Nope,” Byleth chirps, pleased as punch.

“You just made that up,” Edelgard says crossly.

“Ha,” Zelgius shrugs playfully. “Kid, I don’t make the rules.”

Edelgard draws back. “...............huh.” She looks to Byleth. “Go figure.”


End file.
